"I'm feeling attacked," I said to him. "You're badgering me. You're badgering me!"
"I'm not badgering you," he said. "I just want to know--"
Shaking and in tears, I handed the phone to Jerry and backed away from it. Jerry told Jesus Eyes, "This conversation is over" and hung up.
(Two months later, because his wife lifted her chin pointedly and turned away whenever I approached, I tried to make peace with her. "The Bible tells me if I bring a gift to God and know someone has something against me, I need to go first and settle it with them. What is it you have against me?""You know what you did! In all the years I have been married to him, my husband has never been anything but kind. He has never raised his voice with me. You said my husband yelled at you--" "I didn't say that. He didn't yell." "Well," she sniffed, walking away. "You said other things.")
The call triggered deep areas of early brokenness in me* caused by conflicts between Good Daddy and Bad Daddy, the daddy who lured me to come to him with assurances that it was "all right"--and the daddy who did things to me and had me do things to him when I came that weren't all right at all.
I sat down immediately to compose an e-mail to Lou and Hatchet Man and Jesus Eyes asking them to "please stop." I've been a professional author since I was 14 but the child parts of me were so scared and shaking so hard we could hardly write. The letter began somewhat coherently and went downhill from there:
[Jesus Eyes] just
called us. he asked where are you getting your information? the meeting tonight
is confidential. how did you know about it.
i did not know the
meeting is confidential.
he asked who did you
send the letter to? who did you tell about it who did you ask topray for
it?
i said i wrote agape
class and all edlders who came to agape class.
he said you said you
were fficiasl represent church for prayer. who made you official prayer
coordinators.
i said isn;t it oka
to pray?
he said we are
praying for the meetig.
so i guess he meant
we should not kow about it and we can not pray about it.
he said we rtake
this very seriusly.i said so do we. he is our teacher 30 yers he is good. Lou, [Hatchet Man] , [--], [--], all of you, you cannot do this, you cannot do
this.
i am split. i haved
ekpt secrets all my life for perpetrators. i will do keep secrerts anymore. you
are hurting innocednt peo;ple.
i sais[Jesus Eyes], you are
badgeruing me I feel you are attacking me. I feel sacared. now the spotlight is
on me it is my turn. it is scary. just like [WOW]. i am next in the line of
fire.
[Jesus Eyes] said i am not
badgering you.
wel, executive
edlder i klnow many of you have good hearts soem of you are deceived but you
cannot force me out of this church. you cannot. only god has the right to remove
me from this church unless you call the cops and they drag me out in
handcuffs.
i do not an tto
gossip i do not wan to hurt inocent p[eople. if i havd done wrong to know about
this meeting i am sorry. if i have dione wrong to ask for prayer i am sorry. [Faithful] ad [Bear] say do not atalk about it. edler board says do not tal;k
about it.
my husband says do
not talk aboutg it. but i am disobeying them all. god says talk about .t. satan
does his work in darkness. god says berng evil into the li8ght so i will talk
about it. if i am wrong , either forgive me or eccommunicate me,. you have powr.
i have no power.
i am just a broken
little operson, many broken parts. one of them is jessica,. you know me as
jessica but i am no the only one brcause people hurt and broke me just like you
are hurrting anfd breraking people. please STOP IT.
i have cc:ed
no one. THIS IS ALL OPEN AND TRUE AND IN THE LIGHT SIO HELP ME GOD. am
i bad?[Jesus Eyes] made me cry all the littl eones inside arwe upset and shaking
communicst countries
persecute for prayer now we are as commnist country?
my husband says i
can send this please don't blame him
*His Scribbler, Feb.28-March 5, 2011
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