I've been edited

    I've been edited. My smugly memorized passage now reads, 

今日は、皆さんとご一緒に集まることが出来除幕式（じょまくしき）に参加（さんか）できて、大変うれしいです嬉（うれ）しく思（おも）います。

       Last night Michiko, my long-suffering contact person with the Monument Committee responded to the Japanese translation of my upcoming speech, "We think there is nothing wrong in [H's] translation, but we, the Committee,  took  the liberty of revising it and added some words to make it easier for the audience to understand or to suit the Japanese custom." 

     She attached an edited version of the speech which consisted of passages like this: 

                                                          

母はもともと万の他（ほか）の神神々（かみがみ）の上に立つ天主主（しゅ）なる神様（かみさま）を信じていました。この天主様神様（かみさま）は、私たちの手によって創られた神ではありません。私たちがこの天主様神様の手によって創られたのです。天主様神様（かみさま）は、私たちを神自身の姿形に創られました。 

     She added tactfully, "Just one point I am not sure. Near the end of your remark, you wrote: She is a symbol of hope because anyone of us who humbles himself to listen to the "still, small voice" of our Heavenly Father can make a mighty difference.  H's translation was  “…に耳を傾ける者は、とても大きな違いを生み出せる希望があるからです。=because there is hope that anyone can…” And  one of our committee members insisted that it should be changed into “ 違いを生み出せる仕事を成し遂げることができると信じておりました”  But this means that Barbara believed that anyone could make a mighty difference…This is not what you said.  Literally, you said “…に耳を傾ける者は、とても大きな仕事を成し遂げることができるという希望の象徴なのです。希望（きぼう）=hope　象徴（しょうちょう）=symbol　 I think word by word translation is better, but I don’t know.  It’s up to you, you can take whichever you like."

     I woke at five this morning (before a call from a free-lance writer in Japan would have wakened us anyway thirty minutes later) in mid-panic over my need to compare and choose between three translations of my sentence above (among other things). It's all straightened out now. I found a local Japanese woman who graciously let me read my romaji version (which took 13 minutes) as she followed along in the kanji/kana version. She caught and had me correct many minor errors. Then she read it aloud to me so I could hear the flow and emphasis. That was so helpful! She said it was very formal in style and impressive in content (both thanks to the Monument Committee). I owe her a box of See's chocolates!

     I'm still feeling confident about the speech--but a lot less cocky.