Glimpses of Grace 8: Glimpsing Grace

      In the months that followed I saw very little of WOW. For one thing, she wasn't around any more. She and her husband had submitted to the authority of the elders and quietly resigned from the church.
     When I did see her, I saw a change in her. She was no longer agitated and in anguish. She seemed more settled and had a peace and contentment I hadn't seen there since the women's tea. I could tell she was spending time with the Lord.
     Now she told me, with stars in her eyes, "When the elders made those false accusations against me without letting me say a word, I cried out to the Lord, 'If we leave, what will happen to your sheep? You know I have a heart for the women here. How will they be taught Your word?'
     "'The Lord told me, 'I will open up another church for you.' He did--and the women followed! Now I am free to teach the Word of God!"
                                                                     ---
      WOW's trauma washed over my head. I was sorry to lose her but happy it had all worked out for good. As for me, some of the changes in the church were really blessing me. I was understanding grace, really taking it in, for the first time in all the years I had known Jesus as my Savior.
    One evening, our younger leaders hosted a prayer and communion service in the intimate setting of our church foyer. We observed the Lord's supper together, the "bread and cup" representing Christ's body broken for us and His blood shed for us. Instead of having us pass trays of tiny plastic shot glasses of grape juice and pre-cut morsels of bread down the rows of folding chairs, servers came to each of us individually, gave us goblets of glistening red juice and offered us as much as we wanted from whole loaves of bread.
     This made such a deep impact, I later wrote the worship leader and pastor who intentionally carried out that experiment:
      "Most meaningful of all was being served BIG pieces of fresh bread and BIG cups of juice. At first I took just a crust of bread and if the bread had been passed to me, I would have passed it on without taking more even though we had been urged to. But the bread was served to us and the young woman who served me insisted I take more, waited for me to take more.
     "This was so significant to me. Because of incest from earliest childhood, I have had deep, lifelong issues of feeling unworthy of receiving anything good, unworthy of what God gives His other children. As I helped myself to more bread, I got the word 'enough' and understood His desire for me was not just to 'taste and see that He is good" in a way which would leave me wistful, wishing I could have more while accepting tiny portions, but to follow up that first taste with the natural response of a child, reaching for and taking more, as much as I wanted. Then I sensed the words 'filled,' 'plenty,' and 'satisfied.'"
     Like most incest victims, I was branded early on with the bone-deep conviction that I was bad. The typical evangelical emphasis on sin and the death Jesus endured to rescue us from the consequences of our sin exacerbated that. It rubbed raw the open wound of my unworthiness. 
     It wasn't the fault of the gospel. We are sinners. We do need to repent and forsake sin. We do need to be reconciled with God and Jesus Christ, out of love for us, did pay for our sins and make possible that reconciliation. My background just made me hear "SIN" in 36-point capitals and "love" in lower-case letters.
     Also, I grew up in Japan. The Japanese concept of "on" (obligation) had permeated my own thinking. One mustn't be "beholden," as my grandmother used to put it. Every favor had to be compensated for. To owe anyone anything left things unbalanced, left one humiliated. Meant "losing face."
     So let's just say I didn't mind not being continually reminded of my sin.  Lou preaches as if the sacrifice of Jesus is far behind us, as if that was just a small bump in the road between the paradise of Eden and the paradise of the earthly kingdom. He doesn't mention the gulf between God and us which only Jesus Christ could bridge and without which we would still be spiritually dead and hell-bound. He avoids anything unpleasant or controversial or, God forbid, offensive. He focuses instead on Jesus' coming to "tabernacle" among us, of God's yearning to live with us.
     Because he didn't speak of sin my mind was free to remember the other half of the gospel I already knew. I had never before really been able to get my "badness" out of the way so I could accept grace as I had heard it taught by others, as "unmerited favor" and "God's riches at Christ's expense." 
     I wrote Lou about this. I said the gospel as traditionally presented made me resent what Christ had done. The gospel I heard was, "You wicked girl! Look what you made me do! I had to be murdered for you. How could you do that to me, you ungrateful little wretch!" I had felt like yelling at Jesus, "I know I'm bad! You don't have to rub it in. I wish You hadn't died for me. I never asked You to die for me! Now I owe you a debt that is impossible for me to repay, in this life or eternity!"
     When I was seven I asked my mother, "Does it hurt to have a baby?"
     She said, "Yes, but it's worth it because the mother loves the baby so much."
     By down-playing the cross of Christ to the point almost of non-existence, Lou was used by God in my life. His (albeit unbalanced) sermons enabled me to set aside what I had done to Jesus and hear Him tell me, "I died for you not because you made me do it but because I wanted to. Yes, it hurt--a lot--but it was worth it because I love you so much!" God used Lou's preaching to penetrate my heart with experiential truth.

Glimpses of Grace 7: WOW and the Gestapo

     Last February 5 the woman I called Woman of the Word in my first Glimpse of Grace organized a tea for our Mothers of Pre-Schoolers, as MOPS kicked off its new season. WOW has taught Bible studies to our women for 30 years and hosted many of these teas. It was a warm, welcoming time, with the sound of happy women talking, the clink of Victorian china, the fragrance of cinnamon and vanilla and berries.

     I was one of the hostesses at the tea and I listened as WOW talked with gratitude about the life Jesus Christ had brought her out of. She urged the women, "Don't limit God or His answers to prayer to this present time. Many of His promises may be performed in the future." She mentioned the thousand-year reign of peace Christ will establish when He returns. "Maybe during the Millennium--this is just my thought--we will be able to raise the babies who have been aborted. But that's just my opinion. Don't give up hope or lose faith. 'Think outside the box' about when, where and how He might fulfill His promises and answer our prayers and what that may look like."   

     She handed out booklets by Pastor John MacArthur, "Is it Real? 11 Biblical Tests of Genuine Salvation," a booklet which our church had used previously.

     It was a sweet time.   

     The following Tuesday, February 8th, Woman of the Word received a call from one of the other hostesses, distressed. "A pastor called me. He said one or more of the mothers complained about your beliefs in regard to the end times. He told me I have to read a public apology for your beliefs to the MOPS women at our first meeting. I don't know why he wants me to do this. I had nothing to do with what you shared or the material you handed out. I'm really confused by all this."  

     The first MOPS meeting was Wednesday. WOW went to church hoping to find the woman or women she had offended and try to make amends. Instead she found two pastors/elders blocking the door. One said sternly, "You can't come in! We have to talk!" WOW was taken aback. "In your office?" No, as it turned out, right there in public, "verbally, in an aggressive manner":

      --You made a grieving mother cry.

      --You gave her false hope.

      --The tea was more like a commercial for the women's Bible study.

      --The views on the millennium differ from that of someone there.

      --The tea was too long.

      --You jumped around in your talk.

      --The material you handed out was offensive and does not reflect what our church leadership shares.

    Woman of the Word asked the elders to tell her whom she had offended so that, in accordance with Matthew 18, she could go directly to her and straighten things out. They refused to give her the name(s). 

      Meanwhile inside the fellowship hall the MOPs meeting had begun. The bewildered hostess/mom who had been handed a statement by the elders read it aloud to the equally bewildered women present: "Thank you to all of you who came to the tea on Saturday. . . It was a little bit of a rough beginning; there is much that we, as a group of women at this church [the elders who wrote this are men] need to learn about hosting events like these. . . This event shifted from the original purpose as a morning to bring refreshment. . .

     "The views expressed concerning the millennium do not reflect the leadership of the elders here at Grace nor do the printed materials handed out at the event. . ."

     Never mind that the woman reading the statement had no idea what it was about or why it was necessary, that there had been no confusion, only wonderful, warm fellowship among the women attending the tea, that the statement itself was what caused confusion. Never mind that WOW had made it clear she was only sharing her own opinions. 

     Never mind that the "printed materials," though not reflecting the "leadership of the elders here at Grace" DO in fact reflect our church's Statement of Faith and the Bible. Never mind that the leaders were trumping WOW's "sin" of giving a woman false hope by denying her the legitimate hope that Jesus Christ is coming again to set up His kingdom!

      In the days that followed, WOW attempted again to find out exactly what she had done that was so offensive. She was told to "let it go." She finally agreed. But her husband went to the head elder (whom I will call Hachet Man for now) and said his wife had been confronted and rebuked in public by two pastors. He said he would not let it go. 

     Hatchet Man sent WOW a Grievance Process Form to fill out and return to the Grievance Committee (a committee which was still being formed, since the others in leadership knew nothing about its existence).

     WOW filed the grievance form against Lou, the senior pastor, instead of the two elders sent by him to rebuke her. On April 1, Hatchet Man, apparently angered by this, telephoned WOW, "falsely accusing me, yelling at me and calling me a liar," as she described it. She wrote him a letter dated April 4th. Excerpts: "The lack of sensitivity and convictions towards the Holy Spirit is concerning."  "Your actions and conduct have been unbecoming for an elder as stated in God''s Word." "I am asking you, please remove yourself during my grievance process due to the confusion, the unfair and bias you have demonstrated towards me." 

      The newly-formed Grievance Mediation Committee considered WOW's report and on April 26 Hachet Man sent her a letter which read, at its heart, "We find that your grievance against Lou  _______ has no merit.  In reaching that decision, I removed myself from voting. The vote to deny your grievance was unanimous.

      "As a gesture of reconciliation, should you desire to talk about the GMC's decision and/or related concerns, please contact me and I will arrange for you to speak with two of the committee members.

     "In Christ, (Chair___________"

     WOW accepted the offer to attend a "reconciliation" meeting and was so relieved by the promise of an opportunity to discuss her side of the issue, it didn't occur to her to invite her husband or anyone else to attend with her as a witness. 

     At the meeting on May 26, WOW greeted the three people present--Hatchet Man (the only one on the Grievance Mediation Committee), an associate pastor I will call "Jesus Eyes," and the wife of an elder who was a personal friend of WOW's--and thanked Hatchet Man for calling the meeting in response to the grievance she had filed against the senior pastor, after her many attempts to speak with him and have him make it possible for her to follow the Scriptural pattern of reconciliation in Matthew 18--

     Hatchet Man interrupted her,  pushed across the table a list titled "Biblical offenses: (her name)" and asked her to read it.  The list was a mixture of truths and falsehoods, quoting [Jesus Eyes] as saying she had accused Lou of preaching heresy and that she had stirred up dissension in the church and was "game-playing."

     "As I started to read it I realized what this meeting was all about. I stopped reading and told them 'You're going to can me like you have everybody else!" He then started reading the list for me. I stopped him on the first one and said, 'This is not true....get [Jesus Eyes] in here! He knows this isn't true!'

     "He told me if I did not repent of those offenses and apologize to the elders, I would lose all my leadership positions. Sometime during the meeting I broke down and cried."

     He refused to let her discuss the matter. "He screamed and yelled at me and called me a liar. I told him his behavior was unbecoming an elder." Finally she declared, "Some have felt the Holy Spirit is being hindered here at Grace, and I now know the reason why, the leadership here is not coming under the authority of the Scriptures!" 

     Hatchet Man ended the meeting by revoking all her leadership positions and warning her that severe church discipline awaited her in the near future. WOW attempted to talk to her friend, the wife of an elder. The friend told WOW, "I love you" but added, "I am not allowed to speak with you."

     (To be continued.)

100 Verse Challenge - Week 13

This week's verses from dianalovestowrite.blogspot.com:

Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Your heart must not be troubled or fearful. John 14:27

You will keep in perfect peace the mind that is dependent on You, for it is trusting in You. Isaiah 26:3

Test

I've added a gadget at the bottom of this page for those who wish to receive these posts by e-mail. (Keep in mind I usually tweak them or even edit them severely after the original posting.) Like this one.

Glimpses of Grace 6: The little donkey

     From my journal, Monday, April 18, 2011:

     Pastor Lou was preaching about the Triumphal Entry. As usual I was doing (at least) two things with his words. I was standing them up against the plumbline of Scripture. And I was trying to translate them into pictures so I could see what he was talking about.
     He was using the account from "Dr. Luke." I was surprised that Lou believes just as my non-Christian brother does that Jesus arranged the details of the Entry--and by extension His death and resurrection. In fact he used my brother's word "staged" at least three times. (Well, in one case he said, "The donkey and the parade appear to be staged.")
     He said, "He's critiquing the Roman imperial power with a pre-arranged parade mocking that power. He presents himself as Messiah not on a warhorse but on a donkey."
     Lou said part of Christ's satirical response to Rome was his assembling his disciples, whom he admitted included more than the Twelve by that point, to meet and greet him at the gate of the city. But his description of them made them sound pathetic, like a handful of misfits--the few, the poor, the rabble.
      I wanted to shout (with all due respect), "It wasn't like that at all! By that time most of Jerusalem believed. 'The common people heard Him gladly.' They followed Him everywhere, so thick He couldn't heal them all, mobbing Him so he had no time to eat and rest. So many believed--at least two of the members of the Sanhedrin, their Executive Board of Elders, as well as the laity--that the religious leaders who hadn't joined them were scared of them. They couldn't get through the crowds to arrest him secretly and they didn't dare even criticize John the Forerunner."
     In my mind I backed up to Jesus' instructions to his men to go get the donkey. Lou downplayed it, said Jesus had pre-arranged that, too, working it out ahead of time with the donkey's owner: 'When a couple of my guys come tomorrow and ask for it. . ." To me, it made Jesus sound human, even shady, almost like a claimant to the throne trying to dupe people into believing he's the rightful king.
     But the text denies it. Why, when the disciples came to untie the donkey, would the owner have asked what they were doing if he had already been prepped about the event?
     Lou downplayed the prophecy in Zechariah 9:9 too. I kept silently willing him to bring it up, the glorious point, focus, center of the entire day--maybe the entire Bible:

Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion!

   Shout aloud, O daughter of Jerusalem!

Lo, your king comes to you;

   triumphant and victorious is he,

humble and riding on a donkey,

   on a colt, the foal of a donkey.

     Finally when he did mention it, it was almost in passing.
     But in my mind's eye and ear I was there and neither his sermon nor any other I've ever heard has captured the scene:
     Jesus didn't manipulate, orchestrate or choreograph, micromanage. He didn't hire actors and artificially "pre-arrange" a parade in His own honor. He didn't have to. Events were falling into place naturally. He didn't have to do anything but wait, watch, recognize--"It's not time. It's not My time. Wait for it--IT'S TIME!"
     The donkey was in place, right where its owner had tied it of his own free will, all unknowing that this was THE donkey, the one designed and destined before the foundation of the world to fulfill prophecy and play one of the most important roles in all history.
     Jesus Christ tells his men, the men who respect and love Him, who think, who hope, He is the One--Jesus tells them, "Go down this street, turn the corner. This is what you'll see, this is what you are to say. Bring the donkey to Me."
     "BRING THE DONKEY TO ME!" It sends thrills up my spine. Even fishermen must have known what that meant, must have begun to put it all together. This must be-- He must be going to-- That means He IS--
     And when the owner says, "Why are you untying my donkey?" ("Hey, what are you doing? That's mine!") and the men repeat the words they have been given, "The Lord needs him!"-- WOW! HALLELUJAH CHORUS!
     The donkey man didn't have to ask, "Uh, which lord is that?" His jaw dropped, he just stared after them breathing, "It's HIM! It's TIME! MY OWN LITTLE DONKEY IS GOING TO CARRY THE MESSIAH INTO JERUSALEM TO SET UP HIS KINGDOM! HE HAS SELECTED MY DONKEY, OF ALL THE DONKEYS IN HISTORY, FOR THAT SUPREME HONOR! WOW!"
     It was not about following a script to make something happen--except a script written before time began. It was about Jesus just living, being Himself and seeing history come together, all the pieces fitting into place, bringing about the fullness of time. Marvelling Himself as it happened, maybe.
     The fullness of time for His birth. The fullness of time for the revelation of who He is, presenting Himself to Israel as her long-expected Savior and Deliverer. Just like the fullness of time for the end of the age which we are seeing falling into place all around us.
     Of course Lou didn't say any of this. What he did say sounded thin to me. He said Jesus was "intentionally getting ready to fulfill Zechariah's prohecy." Yes, but He didn't have to race around behind the scenes painting sets and arranging furniture. (If he had to do that to make people think He was the Messiah, it must have been difficult to arrange his own birth in Bethlehem under the Roman occupation of Israel in the days of Herod.) No, it was flowing into place. He didn't have to tell a man, "Tie your donkey over there at such-and-such a time." He knew that man intimately because He had created him, knew where he would tie that colt.
     If He predestined events, it was in eternity past. Every atom, every cell, so that not a jot or tittle was out of place or out of control. It is all, ALL, in His will. Ultimately His permissive will works together with our free will to accomplish His overarching sovereign will and purposes.
     It could not be otherwise, if He is God. If a single minute "deviation" is not under His control, it would effect huge changes which would require a Plan B.
     And He has never had to, never will have to, scratch His head in surprise and bewilderment and come up with a Plan B.

Glimpses of Grace 5: Division grows

     After the choir robes--and some of our finest leaders--vanished, I noticed other changes.
     The name of our church changed; the denomination was dropped. An attractive new sign just reading "Grace" appeared out front and all church communications used the new logo. I didn't remember the congregation having a say in that but I supposed suppressing the denomination in the name would make more visitors feel welcome and that was a good thing.
     Our church motto, "The Bible, the whole Bible, and nothing but the Bible" vanished. The new motto was "A community of the new creation living out of the gospel for the flourishing of all." That sounded wonderful and although I thought the motto of an evangelical church should mention God or Jesus Christ or the Bible surely the Word of God would continue to be our standard for faith and practice.
     Lou talked a lot about the gospel back then. He and his wife attended something called Gospel Transformation. He was so enthusiastic about it he brought it into the church and urged everyone to take the classes. Lou said we needed the gospel every day of our lives as Christians, not just to get in the door. My husband and I never got around to going through the series ourselves but lots of people did and said it changed their lives.
     Lou used "gospel" even in sentences where I would have used "Jesus." We have to follow the gospel. Do things according to the gospel. It didn't seem wrong but I couldn't connect very well with the concept. I couldn't have a relationship with the gospel like I could with a Person. I couldn't have conversations with the gospel, ask for help from the gospel.
     He also kept emphasizing that God's intention was to make us more human. Not more godly, not more like Jesus Christ, not able to obey Him more or overcome sin better. I tried to see it his way, rather than insist he use the semantics I was used to.
     He gave a series of sermons on moral issues. I struggled a lot with them. It seemed to me Lou was unhooking us from the authority of the Ten Commandments, encouraging us to decide for ourselves, making morality relative. I could have sworn in his message on adultery that he was actually approving sex outside of marriage if we wanted it. I scolded myself for even thinking that. My mind must have wandered as he explained himself. I must have missed some key caveat. So I didn't say anything to him about it.
     In fact, there were views he expressed in many sermons which didn't feel quite comfortable, by which I mean didn't ring true Biblically. I wanted to e-mail him and take exception to some of these views but I held back, remembering the piranhas, remembering how picky and judgmental we old-timers were and how much trouble we had caused him. I waited and listened for him to present things I could wholeheartedly endorse and when there were some, I'd send him e-mails thanking him for them.
     A few rumors were stirring here and there. He's teaching emergent doctrines. He's quoting from N.T. Wright and Peter Enns, G. K. Beale, and William Dumbrell. All the pastors and elders are getting into this stuff, people said. Someone pointed out a picture we hadn't noticed before on page 2 of our 2005 church directory: two of the pastors we most liked and respected were holding up books by N.T. Wright, big grins on their faces.
     I didn't know what to do with that information. I had no idea who N.T. Wright was or why we should mind Lou quoting him.
     The Uprights and both their sons' families had left the church. So had others, many so quietly we didn't notice for weeks or months that they were gone. But our church was poorer without them. They were some of the members most faithful to God's word and work, the kind of people on which our church had been founded. They were telling us from their new churches that they felt they were coming out of a long darkness, that they were feeling spiritually fed again.
     They said Lou didn't preach on sin, on the need for repentance, on Christ's provision for our rebellion by His death on the cross. He didn't mention the blood of Jesus. In a vague way I realized all that was true. Key truths were missing. As a Christian, I just mentally filled in the gaps.
     I told these detractors it was okay if those things were missing from the sermons because all the music, chosen by our worship director who comes from a strong Presbyterian tradition, was always rich and doctrinally meaty. It balanced what was lacking in the messages. The podcasts of the sermons might not reflect it (I staunchly averred), but each service as a whole presented the gospel as a whole.
     In Glimpses of Grace #6, I'll give you an example (from my journal) of how I had to rewrite Lou's sermons in my own mind to make them correspond to Scripture as I understand it.

Windnesday in Pasadena

We took the following pictures. For more pictures and a video, go to yahoo.com/violent-wind-storm-leaves-path-destruction. 

The base of a fir (?) we estimated to be 60 feet long.

This is the rest of the tree. Scroll right to get perspective.

These aren't bushes; half the branches have snapped off and fallen.

    At the end of the 710 yesterday, heading into Pasadena, my husband and I started noticing an awful lot of debris along the road: broken branches and clumps of leaves filling the gutters, palm branches and evergreen limbs extending across sidewalks and out into the streets so cars had to slow down and go around them.
     Then we realized the stoplights at not just one intersection but at every intersection from the 710 into the city were out. Telephone poles were at odd angles and some were snapped in two. Side roads were closed with yellow tape and glancing down them we could see men and equipment working on downed trees, some of them completely across the road.
     Most of these photos were taken along Oak Knoll Avenue.
     We turned on the news and it was the top story: "Wednesday night winds knock over trees and knock out power in Pasadena; schools closed." We were stunned at the size of the trees--some 60-80 feet tall (now long) and at how shallow, almost non-existent the roots were. Some looked as if they had been sitting on coasters.

Some looked as if they had been sitting on coasters.

Same tree, stretching to property line--80 feet long?

Tree felled by 80 mph gusts blocks a side street.

Wind-pushed palms--after the wind died down.

     I also caught a glimpse of two full-sized cows (models, I assume) on a lawn. One of them had blown over. I've heard of people tipping cows--but wind?