"I'm feeling attacked," I said to him. "You're badgering me. You're badgering me!"
"I'm not badgering you," he said. "I just want to know--"
Shaking and in tears, I handed the phone to Jerry and backed away from it. Jerry told Jesus Eyes, "This conversation is over" and hung up.
(Two months later, because his wife lifted her chin pointedly and turned away whenever I approached, I tried to make peace with her. "The Bible tells me if I bring a gift to God and know someone has something against me, I need to go first and settle it with them. What is it you have against me?""You know what you did! In all the years I have been married to him, my husband has never been anything but kind. He has never raised his voice with me. You said my husband yelled at you--" "I didn't say that. He didn't yell." "Well," she sniffed, walking away. "You said other things.")
The call triggered deep areas of early brokenness in me* caused by conflicts between Good Daddy and Bad Daddy, the daddy who lured me to come to him with assurances that it was "all right"--and the daddy who did things to me and had me do things to him when I came that weren't all right at all.
I sat down immediately to compose an e-mail to Lou and Hatchet Man and Jesus Eyes asking them to "please stop." I've been a professional author since I was 14 but the child parts of me were so scared and shaking so hard we could hardly write. The letter began somewhat coherently and went downhill from there:
[Jesus Eyes] just called us. he asked where are you getting your information? the meeting tonight is confidential. how did you know about it.
i did not know the meeting is confidential.
he asked who did you send the letter to? who did you tell about it who did you ask topray for it?
i said i wrote agape class and all edlders who came to agape class.
he said you said you were fficiasl represent church for prayer. who made you official prayer coordinators.
i said isn;t it oka to pray?
he said we are praying for the meetig.
so i guess he meant we should not kow about it and we can not pray about it.
he said we rtake this very seriusly.i said so do we. he is our teacher 30 yers he is good. Lou, [Hatchet Man] , [--], [--], all of you, you cannot do this, you cannot do this.
i am split. i haved ekpt secrets all my life for perpetrators. i will do keep secrerts anymore. you are hurting innocednt peo;ple.
i sais[Jesus Eyes], you are badgeruing me I feel you are attacking me. I feel sacared. now the spotlight is on me it is my turn. it is scary. just like [WOW]. i am next in the line of fire.
[Jesus Eyes] said i am not badgering you.
wel, executive edlder i klnow many of you have good hearts soem of you are deceived but you cannot force me out of this church. you cannot. only god has the right to remove me from this church unless you call the cops and they drag me out in handcuffs.
i do not an tto gossip i do not wan to hurt inocent p[eople. if i havd done wrong to know about this meeting i am sorry. if i have dione wrong to ask for prayer i am sorry. [Faithful] ad [Bear] say do not atalk about it. edler board says do not tal;k about it.
my husband says do not talk aboutg it. but i am disobeying them all. god says talk about .t. satan does his work in darkness. god says berng evil into the li8ght so i will talk about it. if i am wrong , either forgive me or eccommunicate me,. you have powr. i have no power.
i am just a broken little operson, many broken parts. one of them is jessica,. you know me as jessica but i am no the only one brcause people hurt and broke me just like you are hurrting anfd breraking people. please STOP IT.
i have cc:ed no one. THIS IS ALL OPEN AND TRUE AND IN THE LIGHT SIO HELP ME GOD. am i bad?[Jesus Eyes] made me cry all the littl eones inside arwe upset and shaking
communicst countries persecute for prayer now we are as commnist country?
my husband says i can send this please don't blame him
*His Scribbler, Feb.28-March 5, 2011